I spent the 6th alone because I knew my soul needed it. For months this year, I experienced a huge lack of desire for God in my life, a desert in my soul, full of doubt, helplessness, fear...although I had prayed at the beginning of the year, "Lord, whatever it takes for my life to glorify you, let it be done," I found myself only wanting peace of heart, confidence and wisdom without facing any difficulty or darkness. But I didn't receive comfort. I felt guilt over this lack of desire and my weakness, and like God was disappointed and just waiting for me to do something about it. But I was powerless. And I felt as though God had fled from me, and that I was being tortured and was alone in my battle. I felt like a failure, because I'd known the joy of living with Him and for Him, but I could not seem to get back to that place. What once seemed simple was hugely burdensome and I just wanted to be free. What am I doing wrong? I asked myself continually. With Job, I asked God,
"What is man, that you make so much of him,
and that you set your heart on him,
visit him every morning
and test him every moment?
How long will you not look away from me,
nor leave me alone till I swallow my spit?
If I sin, what do I do to you, you watcher of mankind?
Why have you made me your mark?
Why have I become a burden to you?"
So Chocolate Soup. I started listening to a Piper podcast entitled "Sustained By Sovereign Grace: How To Endure To The End." It was centered around Jeremiah 32:38-41.
"And they shall be my people, and I will be their God. I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear me forever, for their own good and the good of their children after them. I will make with them an everlasting covenant, that I will not turn away from doing good to them. And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me. I will rejoice in doing them good, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and all my soul."
God tells Jeremiah these things just after he speaks of his wrath that came upon all the children of Israel and of Judah for the way they turned from Him. He gives His people into the hand of the king of Babylon, but vows that He will bring them back and make them dwell in safety. He will have mercy on them.
To digress a little, Piper asks the question, "What is sustaining Grace?" He argues that God's Grace does not prevent all hardship, does not protect us from the difficulties of life--but it is there to sustain us during those times. Piper's poem to explain the nature of Grace goes like this:
"Not that which bars what is not bliss
Nor flight from all distress, but this:
The Grace that orders our trouble and pain
And then in the darkness is there to sustain."
Orders our trouble and pain? What the...? So God ordered the pain of Judah and Israel, but then sustained them in their darkness. I feel that even though God didn't cause the pain I felt for months this year, He did allow it, knowing that Grace has no use if it prevents hardships. Referring to Jeremiah 32, Piper talks about how one knows that they will be sustained by God's Grace.
God says that He will give me one heart and one way.
He promises to change my heart and causes me to fear Him.
He will not turn away from doing good to me, no matter how I hurt Him or how often I turn away from Him.
This is love! Not that we loved Him, but that He loved us and gave Himself for us.
Grace not by any doing of our own, but a gift of God--not a result of works, so no one can boast.
When He secures us in His Grace by way of Christ who took God's wrath upon Himself, HE will secure the conditions. HE changes us. Promises to, whether it be through showing us the overwhelming beauty of the night sky or allowing us to go through one of the hardest and most desolate times of our lives. The shadow proves the sunshine, the eyes are opened and wisdom and humility are learned only through trial. The Spirit is so willing even though the flesh is weak!
God says of us, "And I will rejoice in doing them good, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and with all my soul."
God is not half-hearted in keeping me. He is doing it with complete JOY! With ALL His heart and with ALL His soul, He keeps me. 155% for me. For you.
He is saying, "I am for You with emotional joy that is beyond your imagination."
No amount of knowledge or riches or success set us free, but only the love and grace of this God who is for us and not against us, no matter how far we stray or how inadequate we feel.
"So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free indeed."
I left Chocolate Soup listening to the Crowder version of "Come Thou Fount," especially to the words that ring true time and time again in my life.
"O to Grace so great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be,
Let your goodness like a fetter bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love,
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above."
Daily I fail in faithfulness, in self-control, in love, in patience and humility. But I have so much hope--I know He's binding me to Himself through every one of these failings by showing me His goodness in spite of them. He is sealing my heart as He transforms me into one who is made both more aware of my need for forgiveness and more aware of the depth of the Grace that He offers freely. My days are like grass, but the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who have tasted of His goodness and can't otherwise be satisfied.
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