Haiti: From The Journal

So, I want anyone who reads this blog to be able to share, somewhat, in the most profound moments of my life. My journal is the best record of these moments, with lots of prayers, concerns, praises, and stories. I feel like sharing some snippets of my journal entries while in Haiti, so you might see more clearly the way God revealed some amazing things, one day at a time. It's a little lengthy, so skip around!

Tueday, May 19
On the bus to Haiti. Mountains of tropical land loom in the distance, while up close there are shacks, thin horses, muddy rivers, and people just standing outside, waiting. For what?


Thursday, May 21
…Claudin and Madame Claudin’s baby that was born yesterday died around 1 am…it really hit me when I realized that if the baby were born in the states, it probably would have lived…so tragic, but I heard Annette saying to Colleen, “All of this pain will be washed away in the end”—it’s so beautiful.

Night: ...in the business of work, play, eating, riding on the back of trucks, showering with spiders and cockroaches, and song, it is easy to forget to pray and to be right where you are. But still, this place is showing me just how real you are and how much joy you offer us.
Tonight, plans were made for a baby with a football-sized tumor on his back to have it removed in the morning by some American doctors…these people truly cling to you, because you are ALL they have…



Friday, May 22
“I am dying of thirst by the side of the fountain”…
…You always make us new, but I have to let you.
I feel like crying. I feel so called to missions, and yet so like I can only put band-aids on wounds here. Bring me out of this stupor, Lord. I beg you. Help me to feel something, ANYTHING. Open my eyes to what you want me to see. Help my unbelief…

Night: Lord, you are so good. You brought peace and joy to my heart after my prayer. I only need to be talking to you! THANK YOU for answering our prayers for the baby’s tumor to be removed! What a sweet, amazing day. Tears filled my eyes as Annette prayed—that on days of grief, when we feel alone and can’t feel you there, we’d remember this day—the calm among the table, the rain falling outside, the sweet air, the children’s laughter, our togetherness…


Saturday, May 23
Today, I wept. There were about 600 kids sitting in the courtyard waiting for meals of rice, beans and chicken, and about 30 were not fed—after waiting longer than most of the others. ALL of those who had eaten literally licked their plates clean, so I could only imagine how hungry the 30 were—and they went unsatisfied. The world is SO unjust, and even our human attempts at justice, however true, often fail. I thank you, God, that you’re just—and that, at the end of the age, all will be set straight.

Yesterday at the farm, we met 2 sisters who were watching us dig post holes. One of them had sandals far too small, and the younger sister had none. Anne and I decided they needed shoes, so we asked Ariel to get their sizes and we told them we’d be back at 4. Little did we know, we weren’t going back to the farm. We felt horrible… Our group went to play with the kids at the orphanage, and in the middle of a fun, rainy soccer game, a girl came to fetch me, saying someone was waiting for me on the other side of the wall. I sprinted out, and miraculously, there they were, smiling up at me from under a cute umbrella. :) “Be right back!” I said, running back here to get the sandals. When I returned, their faces lit up, and they had a little bag waiting to put the shoes in. I stood under the umbrella with them and 2 other kids, who also thanked me, even though they hadn’t received anything. It was a great moment!!

…I feel overwhelmed and guilty for all that I have. These kids look longingly at my purse, my earrings, my “em pay twa” (mp3), and constantly say “Give me one dolla,” or tonight, “Give me new fridge”…


Sunday, May 24
Anne and I ran to the Fort today, and on the way there, were chased by an angry dog—it came straight at us, barking its head off! I screamed, and all of the people on the street laughed at us as we continued on our way. :)
…it was absolutely beautiful at the fort. Small and simple canoes floated on the clear water, some with people in them, some without…..I just love it here—random thought-- it’s cool that love prevails both here and in the U.S., in societies that are opposites in every way. Jesus is the savior for every person!



Afternoon: Certain moments cause my heart to be twisted for you, as I catch a big glimpse of just how beautiful you are and just how much I can glorify you, can bless others for you. Today, we walked to the home of Oldibrice, a child that Emily and Valerie sponsor—he is 16 now. When we got there, all 7 members of his family greeted each of us with a hug and kiss, and exclamations of “Ah!” and “Oh-ho-ho, mesi!” We were all rushed into the small house and seated. Emily and Val gave gifts to each family member, and they were all SO grateful and joyful. I saw tears in Jarrod’s eyes, and became overwhelmed by EVERYTHING; the joy and hospitality of the people, though they had nothing, the sweetness of two families come together in the name of Christ, the spirit of giving.
We prayed in a circle with them before we left, and then Oldibrice and his father walked us half way home. It was so special, and it was all I could do to cry with joy and revelation as we walked the dirt road home.




I decided that, after so many nights of contemplating the sponsor of a child, it was time. I got back and asked for a boy 6-8 years old. We walked to Elizabeth’s sponsor home, and when I got back, my boy was waiting. His name is Luvience!! He has the sweetest face and a playful spirit! I found him some clothes hurriedly, a toothbrush, a hat and some almonds and granola bars. I gave his mom some earrings I made. He truly reminds me of Billy Ray (a boy from Appalachian Kentucky who changed my life). It made me laugh when I realized it…I love the things you show me. Thank you, thank you. Mesi, mesi Jezi, Bondye. P.S. I’ve decided I need to learn Creole!

Tuesday, May 26
Time. Is a wheel in constant motion. Always rolling us along. Tell me. Who wants to look back on their years and wonder where the years have gone? I hope you dance.
Lord, teach me how to dance for you. The Earth is dancing for you in green grass, flowers, clouds and trees. We rode mules to the Citadelle today!



Wednesday, May 27
…You are the reason we have come here, to Haiti. You are the only force of love strong enough to make us desire to lose ourselves, to sacrifice our time, belongings, and possibly, our health—in order to gain the Kingdom! This is epic, a cause for PRAISE! Let me remember this sweet truth when I go to bed and when I rise each day. If I am living for you, I have nothing to fear. This week, you’ve been my comforter, encourager, joy, hope, eyes, hands and feet. Live in me, Jesus. Teach me to walk humbly and lovingly like you and not to fear men, but only evil forces in this world. Help me to grow, rooted and built up in you and able to love like you. This is my desire! And help me to bring this hope back to America. You are beautiful, the ONLY true beauty of the world and of our hearts.

Night: So many small moments during this trip have totally transformed my life and knotted my heart. A few from today stand out:
-John, happily carrying shells back from the Fort, singing, laughing, and replying, "Haha, yeah" to everything I said.
-Tenson's huge smile as he sat watching the skit today at the party, and later, him latching onto Michael for the whole night, petting his hair.
-Tenson's tight hug and kisses on my cheek, saying, "I am miss you!" and "Smile!" when I began to cry.
-Procely's sheepish grin, and his one million "Thank you"s
-Wilton and Widelin and balloons!
-Wilton giving me his piece of bubblegum. This was a HUGE thing for him to give. It meant more than any gift I've ever received.
-Playing hot hands with Wilton--his sweet giggle and "fakey" moves. :)
-Chi-Chi's smile!
-Laying on the roof with Andy, Kyle, Cameron and Jonathan well past midnight, gazing at the milky way, counting shooting stars and shootin' the breeze about movies, high school youth group and the Ki-Ai-Kwan!
You’ve shown me SO much on this trip--I doubted why I was here several times...but you've shown me things that I just can't forget. Things that I want to spend the rest of my life doing something about.




Thursday, May 28
It is bittersweet leaving this place. Sad, because I don't know when I'll return to this impoverished, but extremely hopeful place. I've come to love these people so very much--in a matter of ten days! How is that possible, God? ...and sweet, because our group of 29 Americans is leaving with hearts chock-full of the love we've received here. I've learned so much about your character--things I've heard, but never witnessed until now. You have truly created us to reach beyond our grasp--to give until it hurts, to love with EVERYTHING we have, to seek you in our darkest hours, to pray until we are at a loss for words. There is always more of you to know, more parts of ourselves to give. The well of you is endless and overflowing, and I love you so much for that.

Don't let my heart forget these humble, beautiful people...the way their hearts are open--they all walk down the street holding hands--they way they are joyful simply to have life and each other. Oldibrice's father said, "Our life is not easy, but we are blessed to have each other.” In the eyes of an American, they have nearly nothing, but you revealed to me that they have everything, because they have one another and YOU! That circle of prayer was so powerful, and as I walked down the dirt streets with chickens running across the road, old women sitting with blankets of vegetables, and naked children screaming, "Blanco!" you broke my heart for the people. As I watched, with a full belly as some children went away from the banquet hungry, you broke my heart for the people.

I am taking home the memories of new friends...I take with me a passion for mission, service and giving that is far greater and clearer. I know that this is why you created me, and there's nothing that makes my heart feel more at home.




Friday, May 29 (on the plane ride home)
"I saw what I saw and I can't forget it...I know what I know and I can't go back...your courage asks me what I'm afraid of and what I know of love."

Giving. The simplest & yet most profound, important secret we can know. It's funny how you can hear about it your whole life: "It's by forgetting self that one finds" or "It's by giving that one receives" and yet, you can't know this truth until you take the leap of faith, willing to give until it hurts. I feel like I'm finally on my way there.

"Something on the road cut me to the soul." This was exactly my experience, and I can't forget it. I'm now obligated to act for these people, both for them and for the people at home to be encouraged to do the same. The lifestyle of the giver is contagious, because one can see something different in them: the utter freedom that is theirs. I can no longer hold onto the things of this world, because I've caught a glimpse of what this life can be. I want to be one who gives the shirt off my back, the shoes off my feet...and who encourages others, gently, to be ones who do the same.

God, purify my heart and lead me on toward the life of giving. Gifts of listening, kind words, my time and energy, and my resources. Because I can and must, I will.

The faces of Haitians are forever stamped on my heart. Lord, lead me in ways I could never imagine. Help me to live for the eternal, to store up treasure in Heaven and to be aware of opportunities to give. Let my heart not be hardened when I hear your voice.

It is frightening, sometimes, to know what I know--but I KNOW that a life lived for others is the only one worth living. Teach me to hear you & to hear the cries of the people all around me. Strengthen my heart to be one who serves...always.

People are the same everywhere. We're all in this together.







Wednesday, June 3
A friend of mine told me before this mission to Haiti, "I'm sure that as always, God will reveal the mystery of life one day at a time and in the end it will all make sense." This definitely rings true for me. One day at a time, God opened my heart to both the beauty and pain that Haiti is made of...there is still so much I haven't seen, heard, felt--but in the aftermath of the trip, it is like He has flipped over one piece of the beautiful tapestry of life. He's given me a glimpse of eternity, urging me to make the rest of it even more beautiful.